Tell us about a book on psychology that has affected your life – discussions

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Some books can change lives.

I read “Fit for Each Other” by neurobiologist Amir Levin and psychotherapist Rachel Heller when I was in a very strange romantic relationship. My partner sometimes supported me and was a good friend, sometimes he ignored my messages and humiliated me, and I became more and more anxious and attached. The book explained to me what was happening to us then.

It turned out that the ability to maintain a close relationship may depend on the relationship with parents in childhood. If a child feels their stable support, he will grow into an adult who is not afraid to love. But if the parents are cold or violent, he will develop a fear of intimacy. He will think that people are unreliable and it hurts to love them.

To protect himself, such a person usually chooses one of two strategies. The first is to push people away if they get too close. This is an avoidant type of attachment, and that’s what my partner had. The second possible strategy is to try to stick to the person so that he never quits. This is an anxious type of attachment, and that’s about me.

People with avoidant and anxious types of attachment are drawn to each other. But the couple turns out disgusting: one runs away, the other tries to catch up with his partner. This makes the first one run even faster, and the second one goes crazy with anxiety. Such relationships are painful, and the book Matching Each Other helped me end them. I hope that now this knowledge will help me find a partner with a reliable type of attachment. There are many practical tips in the book on how to do this, but so far I’m just recovering from past relationships and not going on dates.

What book on psychology has influenced your life? What thoughts and ideas were most useful to you? How do you use this information in your life? Maybe they learned to cope with stress at work, improved relationships with others, changed financial habits or were able to solve some another problem?

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